Last Christmas morning, my partner and I joined some friends for an easy run on the freshly snow-packed trails. After an hour of laughter, trying not to fall into ski tracks, and one very dramatic (and slightly bloody) wipe-out, we donned dry clothes and met for brunch. At our hostess’ request, we each said what we were most thankful for before starting our meal. My answer, quaint and overstated though it may seem, was “my family.” When I was twelve, I explained, I discovered that “family” was not synonymous with relatives…and that “my family” would always be chosen based on who they were, not what blood ran through their veins (not that I exclude everyone who is related to me, just that they have to earn a spot like everyone else). Every person around that table was a part of my family and, even though not everything was “perfect” or even “ok,” I couldn’t imagine a better way to celebrate a holiday.
When I did a Tumblr search for #family today, for every one positive post, there were approximately fifteen negative ones. The positive posts were mostly generic “Christmas is coming” messages, with an occasional newborn infant and adoring father picture. The negative posts were much more specific, with a lot of blame placing and graphic language. Last night, by contrast, I participated in a women’s discussion group talking about “family of origin.” Each person had a very different background (ages ranged from mid-twenties to early seventies), many with unfortunate stories to tell about the influences of relatives and other hardships on early childhood, but nearly all preferred to end their story with the “family” that meant the most to them. I guess it’s all a matter of which you give more power to…the positive or the negative.
I always find it fascinating to hear about how other people define “family.” It says a lot about their past, view of the world, and view of themselves. It’s unique to each person. My own family has changed a lot in appearance over the past year. Some relatives have become more family and others less. Some people have actively sought to play a bigger role in my family and made it known that I am a part of theirs. Some family members from my past have established new roles in my present. Some of my family has stopped playing an active role in my present and may never ask for an active role in the future. I’ve met new people who may someday become family, and lost others to memories. To some, I am part of their definition of “family,” even though they are not in mine. There are others who I consider family, while they would not say the same of me.
As society grows more comfortable with an image of family that isn’t a mother, father, 2.5 children, and a dog, it is crucial that “family,” however it is defined, is still considered important. Family is not a disposable commodity and is still the most significant bond we make with other human beings. It’s a bond we can extend to as many or as few people as we wish. It’s acknowledging that someone’s very existence makes a difference in your life.
My family is always what I am most thankful for, whether they make me laugh or cry, simply because they matter to me. I chose them and choose them again every time I think about them, speak to them, or see them. I have no “obligation” to them, yet would walk through fire for them. They have power over me because I give it to them and trust them with it.
To the many hurt and frustrated #family people: it’s your choice. You’re not “stuck” with a given family. You’re stuck with your genetic code. When you choose family, though, make it matter. Defend it, honor it, and grow it, because it is the most important and powerful thing you have.
Happy Holidays!
No comments:
Post a Comment