November 22, 2013

A break from words on running…

Sitting in a choir practice room during my senior year of high school, my friend looked up from the piano and said, “Kate, you’re a gender non-conformist.” A little unsure of how to respond, I thanked him and we went back to the music without further expounding on the subject. His statement was, and still is, about as true as it gets in describing me…although you could probably drop the word “gender” and just leave it at “non-conformist.” The older and more comfortable I get, the more apparent and prophetic that title seems.

Media has always romanticized the idea of non-conformity, yet the practical result is actually the creation of new microsocieties of “anti-norm” norms. There are the books that “normal” groups read and books that “anti-normal” groups read. There are hair styles or colors that are “normal” and those that are “anti-normal.” There are political views that are “normal” and those that are “anti-normal.” You get the idea… Both groups really just seek to fit in. True non-conformity, I challenge, is a much more rare and difficult category. To truly embrace non-conformity, you accept the possibility of never really belonging to a group. You accept discrimination and reverse discrimination. Depending on your personality type, you may feel guilty or awkward or even wish that you couldconform to some “type.” You might be proud or angry and wall yourself off from the influence of others. If you’re lucky, you find someone or some people who aren’t intimidated or scornful and even appreciate you for exactly who you are. I think most people have at least one area in which they are non-conformists, but that part of them is either small enough to be hidden or unthreatening enough to just be “what makes them special/unique.” For a genuine non-conformist, however, it is a relief to make a decision that aligns with whatever group or person you want to be with most. It’s not a matter of being indecisive, as some criticize; it’s about deciding each thing in your life independently.

I pick clothing based on whether it is practical for the job I need it for, comfortable, affordable, and a color that I like. While I don’t feel like it very often, sometimes I wear a skirt or dress. It usually surprises people and I get comments like “that’s not like you,” or “I didn’t know you could look like a girl!” Let me assure you, my IQ and general toughness neither increase nor decrease when wearing clothes that let my legs touch. I read popular books if they look interesting and have a desirable story line, and read unpopular books for the same reason. I didn’t care for Harry Potter, loved The Time Traveler’s Wife and the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo books, have absolutely no interest in 50 Shades of Grey, and found both Atlas Shrugged and 40 Rules of Love fascinating. I like and dislike music in most genres, some more than others, and have to consider who is in the car before playing country, alternative rock, current top 100 hits, jazz, musicals, Christian rock, or traditional Celtic music. If the song says something relevant or interesting and displays musical talent, I’ll listen to it and probably sing along. My hair style is practical, natural, and low maintenance. When I chose to cut it short last summer after a lifetime of braids and ponytails, I was told “you look more like a rugby player now.” I’m fairly certain that, other than getting in my eyes less frequently, shorter hair did nothing to improve my game. Apparently it’s more “normal” for short-haired women to play full contact sports?

Then we have the more “controversial” subjects of politics, religion, and sexuality…where not conforming becomes really uncomfortable, and even unsafe. I don’t pick a party platform to support; rather, I have opinions on individual issues and make my voting decisions based on what I think the government has the right to control. Whatever my feelings or opinions on social issues (and I do have some very strong opinions), they’re not something that a capitalist government should be directly regulating or controlling.  Thus, I am far too liberal for my conservative relatives and a confused, baffling conservative to my many liberal buddies.  I believe in a higher power, but don’t believe that “He” has a gender. I believe that people experience God in different ways, many times without ever knowing that that’s what they are relating to. Since my first deep experience was through Jesus, I consider myself a Christian. Yet, I have known many who consider themselves Buddhist, Agnostic, Hindu, etc. who I think are also close to God and much wiser than I will ever be. When asked about those beliefs, I sometimes find myself ostracized or my spiritual “value” reduced in the eyes of others. My place on the sexuality scale doesn’t make many people comfortable or approach with open arms either. Dating sites just don’t offer a “click here” option for “my general preference tends to be women partners and close friends, but really I just want to meet the right people and not care so much about genitalia.” I don’t look or act “gay enough” for the LGBTQ community or “straight enough” for the heterosexual community. I’m pretty sure if you passed me on the street or met me at an event, you wouldn’t be able to identify my political stance, religion, or sexuality by looking at me. That’s okay. I’m not hiding anything; I’m just not wearing a costume and playing a part to display the group I belong to. That makes most people either uncomfortable or indifferent, but every now and then it makes someone curious enough to come closer and stay a while.

My mother made a comment several months ago about how everyone in the young generations seems caught up in placing themselves “outside of the sexual norm.” In some ways, I agree. Young people are more openly and directly considering their sexuality and are probably influenced to try fitting into many groups before they figure out what is right for them. Unlike my mother, I don’t think that that is a bad thing or trend away from “God’s design.” I am concerned, however, that discrimination and lack of acceptance on all sides will continue to grow as it has done on similar social issues in the past. I see what was previously a minority opinion quickly becoming majority demand as the “right side of history.” I also see where “anti-society” will become “society,” which will then yield a new “anti-society.” My hope is that more non-conformists will feel comfortable shedding their costumes and role-playing for the sake of others or fitting in during this time of societal transition, but I am afraid that it will never be easy.

To anyone out there who has desperately wished to fit in, but just can’t justify assimilating, don’t give up on yourself. I know it sucks sometimes, but keep making your own choices according to your intelligence and moral code. Be comfortable with you. Observe others and reach out if that seems right. Don’t feel like you have to choose between “normal” and “deviant” cliques. When people like you and respect you and love you for who you are, you won’t regret the wait or that you didn’t hide yourself away.